The Sky News app has long been a companion of mine.
I don’t really do the news. I’m not a big fan of it because, let’s face it, it’s usually all doom and gloom.
But the Sky News app keeps me apprised with things that affect people who eat their breakfasts in Wetherspoons – very much the rolling news channel equivalent of the ordinary man on the street.
The app brings you all the breaking news. It even has a notification system which gives you a tidbit of the news which you can swipe on for more but – alas – the app doesn’t update when the notification is sent out so by the time you do get to read the story teased to you earlier you’ve forgotten you knew about it anyway. It also has an opinion piece by a Sky News journalist which can be on any topic but no matter what they may be talking about you can rest assured that they – the Sky News journalist – are the best thing since sliced bread. There was one the other day in which a Sky News guy decided that other journalists just weren’t as good as him. He even put journalist in quotes when talking about them.
So that’s the app.
It brings you the most important and up-to-date stories about Trump or Farage or Farage and Trump. Sometimes it tells you about the government of this country, occasionally a plane crash, bombing or other massive piece of news. But mostly Trump.
Then today it broke the news that Earth is heading for a 25-hour day.
Now, as an out of work bum this is immediately interesting to me because that’s like one more episode of a box set, two if it’s a sit-com But, more importantly, I’d want to know whether the extra hour would be at night or during the work day. When I go back to work sometime before the money runs out, would I be looking at a longer work day because of the bloody slowing down of the Earth’s orbit around the sun? I mean, that would be just my bloody luck…
… oh, what? It’s not likely to happen for another 200 million years?
Then why the fudge is it on the top stories page of your news app?
It’s not news. It’s a thing. It’s certainly a thing. But it’s not Top Story news. Not in the same way as, say, the death toll of an earthquake in Indonesia or a plane crash in Pakistan. It’s marginally more interesting than anything about how amazing Trump is, or whether my fiver is worth thousands of pounds (an artist has engraved tiny pictures of Jane Austen on four fivers, basically, and stuck them back in circulation) but it’s not really news. News, to me, is current affairs. It’s things that are happening now. Things that I could talk to people about if I happened to be in a place where people are.
You know, they would be talking about the latest ceasefire in Aleppo and I’d be like “I know nothing about that, but that 25-hour day is going to be something isn’t it?”