He Scoots Indoors

B&Q on a Saturday afternoon is never going to be a fun experience. On a Saturday you’ve got those keen DIY-ers who know exactly what they want, and you have the bimbling DIY-ers, like us, who vaguely know what we want if we see it but have no idea what it is called, what section it might be in or whether it even exists.

And when you combine that with the Christmas “Festive Forest”… well, it’s a bloody nightmare.

Our B&Q made me chuckle as we entered and my eyes fell upon the Festive Forest. If you happen to see the TV advert for the B&Q Christmas nonsense, you’ll see a woman pushing an inflatable snowman through row after row of Christmas trees. Huddersfield’s version is less overwhelming. It’s probably not even worthy of being called underwhelming. But is is, seemingly, a mecca for families to bring their children.

It’s probably, if I looked on Trip Advisor, one of the top Huddersfield family attractions, somewhere up there with constantly staring at the rabbits in Pets At Home. It’s free, it’s not something you have to do at home and you can just let your children run around touching everything because, as we all know, children see best through their hands.

I only wanted two strips of tinsel, but to get to them I had to fight off a variety of children amazed by the dazzling (haha, see what I did there) array of lights and two old ladies who were deciding whether they wanted tinsel or not – “If you want to buy it, buy it. If you don’t, don’t.” Said one. I think her name was Confucius.

But, and I don’t want to sound old here, when did it become acceptable to let your child ride their scooter round a shop? I mean, yes, B&Q is basically a well-laid out warehouse, but still being met with a wobbly child barreling along at a speed that they wouldn’t achieve normally isn’t really conducive to the shopping experience. I’m sure in my youth, my parents wouldn’t have let me just turn up and B&Q and ride around on a skateboard – partly because I didn’t have one – because it wasn’t really the done thing. You didn’t see people popping Ollies in the candle aisle of the Range, or doing a 720 while waiting to be served in Gregg’s.

It seems to me, from observation, that all you do when you allow your child to take a scooter with them into a shop is yell at them to come back, stay where they are or stop touching things because they’ll break it.

But just at a greater distance.