Hammer Time

So I tackled the fence today, in between making a batch of bread rolls.

And after several hours of hard toil during which time a rusty nail completely destroyed a hammer – although I could now use it to hammer round corners so maybe it’s not all bad news – it’s all sorted and should, fingers crossed, survive the onslaught of the shitboxes next door.

While I was out there, a Royal Mail delivery van came with a parcel for our neighbours. Who, sadly, weren’t in. Now, old me would have taken the parcel in. But new me is pissed off with their wanton destruction of anything that doesn’t belong to them, their disregard for any sort of request to turn their shitty music down and a list of other things too numerous to mention.

They get on my tits, that’s pretty much what I’m saying.

The postman, having stood on their doorstep and muttered to himself about them not being in, turned to me and asked me if I lived in the house I was sitting in the garden of. Now, there were clues that I did. I was dressed in clothes that an actual paid contractor would not be wearing. And, because of the hammer bending incident at the start of the fence construction, was using a hammer which had flowers painted on it – from a toolkit that Carole’s dad had bought us a while ago as a hilarious jape.

I acknowledged that I did live there, but would rather not take in the parcel as we weren’t really on speaking terms.

To which the Royal Mail man said:

“Well, that always happens sometimes, doesn’t it?”


No it doesn’t.

It can’t always happen sometimes. It can always happen or it can sometimes happen. It can’t always sometimes happen because then it’s either always happening or it sometimes happening.

I mean, I didn’t say that. I just did one of those polite laughs. But it has bugged the crap out of me all day. But to the point where I’ve now adopted it as a sort of catchphrase for when anything happens.

Every time, say, I hammered in a nail and it bent I’d say “Well, that always happens sometimes.” Or when the rose bush attached itself to my trousers – that always happens, sometimes. Or when I put the hammer down and then couldn’t find it – I mean, that always happens sometimes.

Especially when you’re on a green lawn and your hammer is bright pink with flowers on.