So, Carole’s not gone camping this weekend.

Apparently, it’s a little bit damp in the Lake District and so rather than have the joys of erecting a tent in the rain and taking shelter in it for the entire weekend, cocooned in a sleeping bag with a book for company, she’s opted to stay home instead.

Which is all well and good but I haven’t planned for this eventuality. I mean, I should have. I have known the weather was going to be shit all week, and yet I thought that everything would go ahead and that I could run around the house shouting “weeeeeeeee!” like a giddy kipper.

This weekend, though, has been a carefully calculated affair. For example, there is enough components to make food for one person for the allotted two days Carole would be away. Shopping will be delivered, and normal service will resume, on Sunday. But until then its half a loaf of bread in the freezer, some marmalade in the fridge and some meals that are living in the freezer.

There isn’t enough for the two of us without *shudder* going out into the big wide world. Which was not high on my agenda.

And this is not just about the fact that I wrestled with that bastard sleeping bag the other day – to no avail, but still. Or the fact that I jammed it into a pillow case last night so that it could be packed. But no, that’s fine. When people reel off the statistics for total time spent on the toilet or in traffic jams and finish it off with “imagine what you could have done in that time…” just think of the time I spent with the devil’s duvet. The things I could have done had I not been trying to get that rolled up tighter than a botoxed face.

I mean… I’ve had to get dressed and put actual clothes on instead of just bumming around in something that is barely decent, safe in the knowledge that I would see no-one from my fortress of solitude. Just me, some coffee, some videogames and the thrill of binging my way through the various arms of the Marvel universe on Netflix so that I can sink my teeth into the Defenders.

But no, just call it off at the last minute.

Did I mention the effort I put in with that sleeping bag?