I’m cross with myself for today.
Which is daft, and totally illogical and not something that is in any way healthy, but hey that’s what happens every now and again when your brain chemicals are all out of whack.
During the last week I’ve been having bouts of insomnia where I’m finding myself still awake at 2 or 3 in the morning for no real reason that I can think of. Other, that is, for the fact that I am lying in bed thinking that I really want to go to sleep, which is clearly impacting on my ability to go to sleep. And, to mix it up even further, when I’ve not been able to get to sleep until the wee small hours, I’ve also been able to wake up ridiculously early.
Today all that kind of caught up with me and I ended up having a nap for most of the afternoon. Which, technically, isn’t a nap anymore. It’s actual sleep. But that happened.
And I’ve been cross with myself ever since because now I feel like I’ve wasted the day. Even though I had no concrete plans to do anything in particular outside of my usual mooching around and what have you.
And I do know it’s ridiculous. I’m cross with myself for my body saying “hey, let’s sleep because we’ve not been doing that for a bit and now seems like a really good time” on an afternoon where I had nothing planned but there was the potential for things. And because I’ve missed that potential I’m in some sort of mood.
Sometimes you can look at this side of mental health from the outside and realise how ridiculous some of the stuff that can affect you actually sounds. That’s not to belittle the legitimacy of the feelings, because you should never do that. But honestly, ask me if I’m ok and I’ll say that I’m cross because I feel like I’ve wasted a day and then ask me what I was going to do and I’ll tell you that I had absolutely no idea.
So have I wasted it?
Sometimes I’d like to crawl inside my brain and shake an angry fist at my neurons because they can be proper arseholes…