Nik-Nak-Paddy-Whack The Dog’s Had Toblerone

There’s a story in the news today which is quite distressing.

There are dogs, up and down the country, who are falling ill because they are helping themselves to their owner’s post. The post in question is a promotional mailing from Sainsbury’s – who, I have to say, are very good with their mailings – which contains a chocolate bar.

And, as you know, dogs and chocolate do not mix. Apart from chocolate Labradors, but that is something entirely different. Chocolate contains something which we can digest but, alas, dogs cannot. Which leaves them in dire need of veterinary care. And, when you’re at work all day and your dog is eating its way through its body weight in mail, can be upsetting to come home to.

The story was illustrated with various accounts of dogs being struck down by the well-meaning gifts. My favourite – if you can have such a thing in what is clearly a horror show of stories – is the man who said “The reward card owner doesn’t even live at this address”. As though not only is the fact that Sainsbury’s is working to reduce the dog population a massive problem, but that they’re just randomly selecting victims. If this was a human murder story, this is where the police would begin saying that it was clearly a case of mistaken identity.

We are a nation of dog lovers, apparently. I’m quite fond of the cat, to be honest. Although I wouldn’t mind a dog. As long as, and this is my one caveat, it looks absolutely ridiculous when it runs. Because a stupid looking running dog is what the slow-mo function on phone cameras is for. Everyone knows that. Everyone.

So this story is designed to tug at the heart strings and make you feel angry with the supermarket and feel sympathy for the dogs and their owners.

They got fifty percent of that spot on.

I am angry with Sainsbury’s.

We have a loyalty card.

Where’s our bloody chocolate??