Lingering Christmas

It’s now the second of January and there’s still an awful lot of Christmas left in the cupboards.

I remember, before the festive period started, looking in the cupboard and thing we didn’t have enough stuff for Carole, my mum and me. I was genuinely worried that we would run out of things to eat and nibble on. For some reason I thought we hadn’t bought as much as we normally do.

But obviously we have. I mean, we have the now traditional freezer-based pack of Indian snacks which, without fail, lives in the freezer until sometime around February when I eat it for lunch one day just to get rid of it.

But we have packets of crisps and biscuits and nuts and things which just don’t seem to be going down. I can only assume that when the mystery person who comes into the house and uses all the teaspoons pops round for a visit they also bring foodstuffs that they think we’d like. It’s really the only explanation.

As it is the New Year, it’d be a good time to put all that sort of nibbley food behind you and start afresh. A new year, a new start and all that mumbo-jumbo bollocks. But when you’ve spent the year hearing about food waste and how perfectly good stuff is thrown away, or that millions of pounds each year are being pissed away by people not eating stuff that is perfectly good but they no longer fancy it then it makes you want to keep all this stuff in the cupboard and pick at it in a fashion which serves to not make you nauseous when you consider what you’re eating. The downside of that is that it sticks around for ages. It still lurks in the periphery of every food-based discussion you have.

We have a surplus (if such a thing is possible) of pigs in blankets because, well, they’re pigs in blankets and as such the best food ever designed ever. So now it’s time to get creative with them. Today they were the toad (or is it the hole?) in the hole (or the toad). We’ve already discussed the wrongness of repeating the same meal tomorrow. Because as anyone who had parents knows, you are told from a young age that if you eat identical foods over several days you will resemble those foods.

Which is why a lot of kids today look like chips.

And nuts are a good source of protein. So in moderation the various bags that are in the cupboard could see me though a few weeks. But moderation with a bag of nuts is not an easy thing because they’re designed to be nommy bundles of moreishness. If you want to eat nuts over a long and drawn out period, you get the unadulterated naked ones with no flavour to them – they last so long because they’re genuinely unfun to eat. Not so the ones that promise you salted caramel or honey and sea salt or whatever.

We need the cupboard space back, though. It’s the only cupboard in the kitchen that can happily accommodate a box of cereal or a bottle of Ribena without it looking like it’s a rapidly-growing teenager who is destined to live out his formative years on the top bunk of a bed, knowing that it’s only a matter of time before he smashes his head into the artexed ceiling of fate.

There’s still a fully intact Thornton’s Chocolate Santa, for chuff’s sake.

I don’t even recognise myself anymore.