Sleep Derp

Everyone has had one of those moments where they fall asleep on public transport. It’s ridiculously easy to do – I used to do it all the time and, at the same time, be insanely conscious of how much I snore when I sleep at home. Do you still snore when you’re sitting up? Is that a thing? I don’t know. No-one ever booted me to wake me up, so I guess I didn’t snore – I’m constantly beaten at home for it, after all.

It’s a combination of the gentle swaying motion of the vehicle, plus the fact that the temperature is held at a steady high, that lulls you into a comfortable slumber. What you do after that is entirely out of your control, though.

I have dropped Kindles, phones and – memorably – thrown a hardback book across a train aisle.

But that’s not what I mean. I mean the ways in which you can be jolted awake. Usually it’s a your head lolling forward that does it. Whether it’s naturally or brought about by the stopping action of the public transport you choose your sleeping head just bobs about wherever it fancies atop a neck which, for all the use it is, may as well be made out of a slinky.

I always try and pretend that any jolt awake was actually just me flexing my neck and that I wasn’t asleep at all, I just really needed to do a Roger Murtagh-esque neck roll. For no reason.

Tonight a man on the bus went over at a ninety degree angle into the aisle. If his sleeping brain hadn’t somehow told him to throw an arm out he’d have just slammed into the floor of the bus, but as it was he caught himself like he was a skateboarder using his hand (and those pebbly things) for support as he took a really fast corner.

The thing is, there’s no explaining that away. You’ve pretty much advertised to everyone who saw you do it that you were fast asleep on the bus and have pretty much just gone arse-over-tit because of it. It wasn’t even a sudden bend, either. There’s not really any explanation for it. It was like his strings had been cut. It was a thing of beauty.

And if you’re going to do that sort of thing you want to make sure that you’re sitting somewhere that almost no-one can see you.

This guy was sitting at the front of the bus.

Not the very front, obviously, because that would be the driver and this blog would be very different if that were the case!