Dear Sainsbury’s


It must be a couple of weeks now since I’ve had to put finger to keyboard and complain about something not very substantial in the greater scheme of things but which carries a hint of annoyance about it. Last time, I don’t know if you remember, it was the courgettes that I ordered – and, I hasten to add, paid for – which didn’t make it into our custody.

Imagine that? It was like a botched kidnapping. I paid the ransom and yet I was not reunited with my loved one. Or, in this case, my courgettes. As you can imagine, the courgette and mint soup I was planning to make wasn’t quite as courgettey as we’d possibly have liked it to be. Still, everyone loves a nice bowl of mint broth don’t they?

This time I need to bring you to task regarding bananas.

I ordered bananas. I did, on this occasion, receive bananas.

But I had planned on eating them at sometime this week. They have currently been in my possession for almost forty-eight hours and it still looks, at first glace into the kitchen, like the Incredible Hulk has left his hand on our worktop.

They are the greenest bananas I have ever seen. They’re so green that some of the green vegetables are envious of their emerald glow. The peas are having performance anxiety and the broccoli pales by comparison. Even the spinach – a large fluffy pillow of leaves occupying half the space in the freezer that will wilt down to a tiny pile of green mush that barely covers a spoon – is decidedly off-colour.

If I’d known they were going to be this green, these bananas, I’d have not asked for them this week. I’d have hung on for another week and ordered them when they’d be ready for human consumption. These ones look like they shouldn’t even have come off the tree, let alone be bagged up and sold to people who like the idea of eating a banana but need a good few days run up to mentally prepare themselves (and allow the banana to become edible).

What next? When I order chicken are you going to provide me with an egg – essentially a chicken that isn’t ripe yet –  that I need to keep warm for a period of time?

Come on guys, buck your ideas up.

Not that I’d stop using your online shopping service though, the thought of actually doing a full shop in a supermarket gives me hives.