Taking The Snips

We have issues in this house with scissors.

They go missing. Frequently. You look in the drawer in the kitchen and there are umpteen pairs of scissors, you look again and there are none. It’s some kind of scissor-based voodoo witchcraft mumbo jumbo, or something like that.

Or it’s that they’re taken away for various purposes by one member of the household and not returned, instead forced to live out an existence in a container that is not their own, hoping each time they are used that they will make it back to the drawer that they know best.

Once, a pair of scissors was missing for about a year, and was found suffocating at the bottom of a very large box full of wool.

So we definitely have issues with scissors.

We have to frequently pick up new packs of scissors which, of course, can only be opened with scissors. Which we don’t have, hence why we’ve had to buy new scissors. Which we can’t open… you get the idea. When Elton John sings about the circle of life, this is what he’s really referring to. It’s nothing to do with lions and whatever else.

Carole has picked up some new scissors today. They are sealed away in a blister pack, requiring other scissors to get to them. I know, or at least I do at the time of writing this, where a pair resides so we will at least be able to enjoy the feeling of new scissors.

But I think what Carole has unwittingly done is bought scissors that will never, ever be stolen or borrowed, and will remain at home in the kitchen.

Because they is ugly. U.G.L.Y, they don’t have no alibi. Ugly.

The largest pair, often the first to disappear from a set as they are the most useful, is especially ugly. There is a bottle opener built into the handle end. Actually, built in is probably overly generous. Let me rephrase that, there is bottle opener sticking out of the handle end. So when you use the scissors, you have a bottle opener waving about as you cut through things or, to look at it the other way, if you open a bottle with them you’re using sharp scissors as a lever.

The other handle has a similar sticky-out thing, but I can’t work out exactly what it is. It’s like an overly large flat-headed screwdriver. It’s probably a bloody nail file or something ridiculous like that. Unless it’s a doohicky you can use to pop the lids of paint tins, it has that sort of look. There’s no explanation given. Although, again, if you’re in a position where you only course of action when opening a paint tin is to use scissors then you should probably re-evaluate your life choices.

Having said all that, though, I give them about a week.

And then they’ll be gone.