No, honestly, there’s nothing that I enjoy more than someone falling asleep on me on the bus on the way home. It’s just absolutely the best thing in the world.
Obviously, I am firmly employing the sarcasm button here. There were so many issues with how this bus journey panned out vis-à-vis the man who slept on me.
Let me explain.
We were, for starters, on a double decker bus. So there was a lot of space. A lot. It was a mid-afternoon bus, not too busy. Plenty of seats.
So obviously, the first thing this man does is break all known bus etiquette by choosing a seat next to someone – in this case, me – instead of one of the myriad of empty ones.
He then fell asleep. On me. Which breaks every rule in the book. You can fall asleep next to someone on a bus if you know them. That’s fine. Otherwise no. Even more so if you happen to smell of sweat and stale cigarettes. Just saying.
Obviously, he ended up travelling the whole route. All the way to the same stop as I get off. And this is where he broke more bus rules. He kept waking up every time the bus went over a bump, or when another passenger struck him. Repeatedly.
But he did not move when, again, there were other – freshly vacated double seats – across the aisle from him. It’s a bus rule. Everyone knows it – if a double seat comes up across the aisle from where you are sharing a double, you are obliged to take it. It’s yours by default. Everyone else on the bus knows that. He just fell asleep again.
I considered, at one point, making out like I was wanting to get off the bus and just moving across the aisle myself. But I couldn’t do that even if I’d wanted to as the man was sort of sleeping on my bell arm, basically. I was wrestling to get my own limbs back, taking advantages of corners when his body shifted so that I could move.
Normally, I consider the bus ride to be quite quick. It’s about twenty minutes. It doesn’t seem that long. It’s generally one of those where if you stop paying attention you’re suddenly home.
Today, however, longest twenty minutes of my life.