News Free

There’s an unexpected side-effect to my Trump-free life. I also don’t find out about Royal babies being born. Which is nice. I mean, I know it’s happened now because I saw a headline about it this evening. But I didn’t know it was going to happen, currently happening or had happened.

It’s just bloody lovely.

I mean, there are a few downsides to a Trump-free life. I generally miss most news now. Because it’s too big a risk to dabble with any kind of news media, I don’t find out things unless I hear it on the radio or Carole tells me. I didn’t find out Eric Bristow had died until about a week after it happened, and I think I’m one of the only people in the country who has no idea just how brave Dec is being working without Ant.

No, wait, that last one is an upside.

Because brave isn’t a word you should give to a television presenter presenting television (at the end of the day, it just means he has to say twice as many words). Brave is a word you use for people who run into burning buildings to save people, or put themselves in harms way to protect others. That sort of thing.

So Trump-free has kind of morphed into News-free. Which, actually, is quite a pleasant way to go about your life. I never used to hold much sway with the news anyway, and it was primarily the Sky News app on my phone that had me reading about things I could care less about. But to make it through April without any news about the Royal Vagina is probably the best I could have hoped for, aside from avoiding literally everything about the Presidential Bell-end.

Sadly, though, I do know that Katie Price – dressed as a pair of lungs – didn’t finish the London Marathon. But, let’s face it – she never had any intention of doing so. Which is a bit of a kick in the teeth to every normal person who fights for a place in the ballot system and would have given it their all. But this news-free life is a new one and every now and again something’s going to slip through.

And it helps me identify weaknesses in my defences, so that I can be better. So the next time Katie Price does (or doesn’t, as was the case) anything I won’t know about it.

Because if I start letting stuff like that through, it’s only a matter of time before the Orange Overlord slips through and then all my work is for nought…

I just can’t risk it.