Cold Smoulder

The first thing I did when I got to work this afternoon was throw the windows open, letting in fresh air. And the sounds of the streets of Huddersfield. Which, if anyone is wondering, is basically a procession of thumping bass beats, and the unnecessarily loud roar of “tuned” cars as they speed from one set of traffic lights to the next.

Our office is one of those that takes on the climate outside. When it’s cold it’s fricking freezing in there. And when it’s hot it’s definitely hot.

We have heaters. The heaters have a cool setting which blows cold(er) air around the place and takes the edge off the warmth.

Unless, as with today, they develop a mind of their own.

I know for a fact that the heater in our office was blowing cold air yesterday. Because when I had a gap between teams I blew cold air directly at me for quite a while, and bloody loved it.

So, there’s no reason it should be any different today.

After I’d opened the windows, I flicked the fan setting on and went about setting up the room.

I had some time to kill when I’d done that, so I sat on one of the couches in the waiting area and read a bit of my book.

I started to realise it was quite warm there.

There was a cross breeze through the windows, but for some reason there was quite a concentrated patch of warmth as well…

The bloody fan setting was chucking out heat like I wanted to inflate a hot air balloon.

I know you’re advised to drink a hot drink in hot weather because, you know, reasons. But I’ve never heard anyone say that the best way to stay cool in hot weather is to increase the heat using a fan heater.

I did learn a few things while trying to get it to blow cold. The temperature knob – which determines how hot the air is when it leaves the heater (while set on heat, that is) does nothing. It starts off hot and the more you turn it the same level of hot remains. The bloody heater is fitted with a placebo button, for goodness sake. Who does that? It turns out all through winter we were just thinking ourselves warm.

And that there is no logical way in which the cold air blowing function works.

I think it’s primarily luck. Hopes and dreams. You have to wish it when you turn it on, and if you’re sincere then there’s a chance you’ll get cold air.

It’s supposed to be silly warm tomorrow.

I want to believe…