If we go silent, and are not seen for days, know that it was our time. Know that the inevitable has happened.
That we have been cocooned and subsequently eaten by the massive spider under the television unit.
I assume that the warm weather has brought it out of whatever nook or cranny it was hiding in and, on the way, it has stopped off at a radioactive swamp where it has mutated into the monster that now controls a decent portion of our house.
It first came to my attention last night. I was sitting, quietly, playing on the Xbox. Carole had gone upstairs to read her book, or maybe just bask in the insane darkness provided by the new curtains. I had a mug of water to my side. And, like in Jurassic Park, I noticed ripples in the top of it.
I was, naturally, perplexed. I wondered if it might be an earthquake. I was pretty sure it wasn’t an escaped T-Rex trying to eat some children in an electric car. But it was something.
Then the left side of the TV lifted up as the spider squeezed itself between the bottom of the screen and the top of the television unit. The spider then just hopped off the TV unit as easily as you or I going down a single stair.
It landed on the carpet with an almighty thud. Peppa makes less noise when she jumps off the bed, or runs down the stairs. My mug of water threatened to topple over. It was all I could do to remain in an upright position.
It then ran under the TV unit, the wood groaning as the large hairy body pressed against it. Much as it does when my large hairy body presses against it when I need to mess with the wires. Not that I will be doing that any time soon, lest I am pulled to my doom by 8 hairy appendages.
It came to visit us again tonight, choosing to run across the carpet as we were distracted with something else. I could feel the vibrations through my feet, but we didn’t really notice it was there until it bumped into the dining table, causing everything upon it to move suddenly.
It went back under the TV unit again, taking one of my Xbox controllers with it. I think it owns my Xbox now.
If it takes us, remember us fondly.