Snob Marry Avoid

So it’s the Royal Wedding tomorrow.

And I couldn’t be less bothered. I avoided the last one, while Carole sat watching it downstairs with a box of tissues for her tears of joy and, no doubt, a large supply of chocolate. And I’m hopefully avoiding this one.

I’m working tomorrow.

But the thing is, no-one has booked the slots that run over the time of the wedding. There’s a ridiculously early one, and there are some after all the nonsense is over. But none in the middle. Not a one.

There’s enough time for me to come home in between. But what would I be coming home to? Carole sitting on the couch, sobbing happily and oo-ing and ahh-ing at a variety of poorly thought out wedding attire. And I wouldn’t hang around anyway. I’d banish myself upstairs where the wedding nonsense couldn’t reach me.

People Carole knows are going to watch the wedding in their wedding dresses. Because that’s perfectly normal. “It’s not as unusual as you think…” she said to me as I she tried to explain the lunacy. Just because a lot of people do it, it doesn’t make it any less weird. I mean, is that a thing you’re supposed to do? Theme your outfit to whatever it happens to be that you’re currently watching.

I suppose, actually, football fans do that all the time. Wearing their team colours while they watch their team play, on the off-chance they’ll be a man short and call for someone from out of the crowd.

But it’s still weird.

I’m thinking, though, if I stay in town there’s a chance it will be like a ghost town. That I will have free run of the highways and byways because everyone will be preoccupied with the nonsense, and the commentary on just how far down the aisle Meghan Markle is going to walk on her own before Prince Charles takes her all the way. So to speak.

News reporters are going to be using the phrase “breaking with tradition” a lot, tomorrow. I can already feel it in my waters. Mainly because they’re already using it a lot today. The cake is breaking tradition. The walking down the aisle is breaking tradition. The fact that Pippa Middleton isn’t invited to everything is probably breaking tradition.

I just want to avoid it.

I really hope someone books one of those slots tomorrow…