Pack Flat

If there’s one thing I genuinely love, it’s assembling a bit of flat pack.

I know I’m supposed to bang on about it being impossible to understand the instructions, or that there’s always a screw left over or whatever. But bollocks to that. It’s not hard to understand the instructions. They’re a fricking doddle. And there’s usually a screw left over because they purposefully put more in than is necessary because they’re the easiest bits to lose.

But anyway.

I have spent a decent chunk of the day turning the house into a fire hazard.

And building some bookcases in the process.

I think I love having the boxes of furniture delivered to exactly the spot on the floor you want them to be put in better than assembling them. It was awesome to not have to lug them about myself, and just have them brought on a van. I don’t know why we never did it sooner. It just made so much sense, instead of trying to contortion our way into the car with boxes that might have just been a smidge too big.

It’s really a no-brainer.

Three bookcases generated a lot of cardboard though. I was throwing each box into the kitchen as I emptied it, and I had reached the height of the worktops by the time I was done. And as I did it, I was thinking to myself, well I hope the washing machine doesn’t overheat (because that was doing a load somewhere behind the cardboard) as this whole place is going to go up like a tinderbox. And I would burn to death in the front room, unable to escape the house at all because everywhere was blocked off with pre-cut pieces of wood or furniture I had moved to the side to make room for construction.

I’m surprised Carole didn’t come home to just find me rocking in the middle of the front room.

Not that she’d have been able to get in, because I had blocked the front door with a basket of stuff as well.

Hey ho.

But the instructions for these bookcases did make me laugh. Not because they were impossible to understand. Just because one of the steps made absolutely zero sense to me. At all.

You build the bookcase frame. And then you put the back on it. To put the back on, according to the diagrams, you stand the bookcase on its side and pop the backing in. The back comes in two sections, so you position the first and then put in the second. But to do this you need an extra person, because if you let go of the first backing it will just fall out.

I was by myself.

So that was a no go for starters.

But the next step was to then turn the bookcase, which had previously been on its side so you could put the back in place, onto its front so that you could fasten down the back.

If you just did that in the first place, you’d find that you didn’t need a second person nor did the backing fall out when you let go of it.

It’s like… I just don’t understand why it was even in there as a step. How has that got past some sort of quality control? Surely just lying it face down to start with is the way forward. I mean, I did it three times and nothing has fallen apart yet. Even if I had had access to a second person I wouldn’t have done it the way they suggested. Because surely as soon as you both let go of the back to spin it round onto its front, the back just falls out anyway. And that’s before you start factoring in a turning motion.

Plus the fact, I was already working in a slowly decreasing space due to cardboard remnants and previously assembled things. I couldn’t have coped with a second human in there with me.

I do love a bit of flat pack.