Carbon Bye-Oxide

Society is pretty much on the brink of collapse.

There’s about to be a crumpet shortage.

Apparently, due to a lack of carbon dioxide, which is used to package the crumpets, production has been halted. Which means that whatever crumpets are out there are it. They are the crumpets. And when they’re gone…

Well, when they’re gone there will probably be some more carbon dioxide so we’ll be fine. But it makes for a fun news headline and panic on the streets, and keeps our attentions away from Trump madness, Brexit shenanigans and the Government’s plans to subtly get rid of the NHS. Who needs hospitals if there are no crumpets? What is the point of life?

We’ve got a packet in the freezer.

I don’t know if I should say that on what is a searchable space. What if someone is searching for the locations of crumpets, like that episode of Family Guy with the Y2K bug and the Griffins end up hunting down Twinkies because they’re the only food that can survive the apocalypse. Almost exactly like that.

But we do, we have a packet of crumpets.

I should put them on eBay. See how much the crazies will pay for them. They’ll need to come and collect them though because they’re frozen and once they defrost they’ll only be good for a day or so, so I’ll need to keep them on ice. But I have seen the sort of stupid money people pay for things on eBay. People will happily pay over the actual retail value of all sorts of things, presumably because they’re so convinced they’re getting a bargain because they’re shopping on eBay.

I wonder what sort of figures a six pack of cryogenically preserved crumpets could fetch.

This time next year, Rodders…