Sky Why

Sky introduced a great feature to the Planner some years ago.

Using sophisticated nonsense, the planner remembers shows that you have previously recorded and will automatically add them back into the planner when a new series starts.

I think it worked about once.

Now it’s just like Russian Roulette with the remaining space in the planner.

Our Sky box is possessed anyway. That’s something we’ve known for quite some time. It crashes all the time, especially if you ask it to record something or want to watch something or get to the end of something you’ve watched, pause live TV, fast-forward through adverts or look at it funny.

It crashes a lot, is what we’re saying.

But along with that it just randomly adds stuff to the planner – admittedly it is stuff that we have watched in the past, but no-one asks it to do it in the way that it does.

For example, at the moment it randomly adds in a short run of Impractical Jokers episodes. Just three or four episodes and then it fades into nothingness. A couple of weekends ago it decided that I needed to see the whole of Westworld’s second season – something which anyone who has met me knows is definitely not what I want because I found the whole first series to be an absolute bag of spanners made of bullshit and invisible threads.

And it also just stops recording things when it fancies. We’ve had countless series end abruptly because it’s just dropped out of the planner and we’ve not realised. There’s no rhyme or reason to what it’s doing, it just gives up. As though following a full series is too much commitment. And, of course, when we discover this it’s next door to impossible to find any of the episodes that have been missed. For all their trumpet blowing about box sets and things of that nature, unless it’s Game Of Thrones or some other bollocks you really have to work hard to find anything.

Mum’s coming to house sit in a couple of weeks when we go to the Fringe. I can’t wait to see what we come back to, because she won’t realise that recordings are just continuing for three or four hours or that new random stuff has appeared. Last year, for example, we came home from Edinburgh to find that mum had been stuck on a radio channel since the Tuesday of the week we left, unable to change the channel no matter how hard she tried.

I know we should probably get a new box. We should ring up and say “hey, your box is all sorts of buggered” but no-one wants to do that. No-one likes to phone Sky about a technical issue – especially after that time the remote broke and I rang up and they asked me if the buttons were on the top. And if the word Sky was the right way round. Because, obviously, the reason it wasn’t working is because I was pointing it at myself. Upside-down.

I dread to think what they’d come up with if we rang up about the box…