Fan-ks

Brace yourselves for another heat wave, guys.

I mean, yes, it doesn’t look like there will be one. The weather is considerably cooler and a lot damper than it has been over the past couple of months. But it’s coming. It’s absolutely coming. Probably by the end of the week. If not sooner.

Why?

Because we’ve discussed putting the fans back up in the loft until next year.

Which is an absolute iron-clad guarantee that it’s going to be warmer than ever this September. Because it’s a complete ball-ache to go in and out of our loft.

The same thing is happening at work as well. The rooms have had fans in them because they have gotten ridiculously warm during the summer months and it’s nice to at least provide the impression of a cooling breeze, even if it is just actually moving the warm air round the room. And every time we go to take them out the weather takes a turn and we have to put them back in again.

And that’s only moving them to the kitchen area – basically just across the corridor. Now we’re discussing putting our home fans in the loft I wouldn’t be surprised if we reach drought status by the end of the month.

What’s worse is that I’ve had to pretend to Carole that I’ve not had the fans on in ages. When in fact I have been having them blowing lovely cool air even though it’s nippy outside. I don’t want to appear like some kind of weirdo who enjoys being colder than is strictly necessary, at least on a voluntary basis. When it gets to winter and I’m naturally that cold all bets are off and I’ll be layering up like a particularly snug onion.

But it is time the fans went away. It’s autumn, more or less. It’s not a time for fans. It’s a time for falling leaves and secret dog poo beneath those leaves. It’s a time for someone to say “ooo, the nights are drawing in…” and for someone to point out how long it is until Christmas (I have already seen someone do that, to be honest). The supermarkets are selling mince pies with expiry dates long before the festive period and no doubt at some point all the Hallowe’en tat will appear or sale again.

So it’s not a time for fans.

Plus, if you look at a fan too closely it paints a scary picture of how much dust is blowing around your home. What were once crisp, white blades are now grey and furry with fluff and dead skin cells. You don’t need to see that. No-one needs to see that.

They need to go away.

But I’m keeping my shorts handy, just in case.