Brownie Frownie

Carole’s left out a selection of tasty goodies that she has purloined from a variety of Fresher’s Fayre stalls around Huddersfield University this week. Being part of the staff means that she can meander through the back of places and generally blag her way to all sorts of things.

So the selection of things I have been left includes some toasted seeds with a salted caramel coating. I don’t know how I feel about that. There are words in that sentence which I don’t feel should go together necessarily. But I am open to trying new things so I’ll give them a whirl.

There’s a box of Jelly Beans – Berry Burst, in fact. So all the good flavours. No time is wasted picking out all the coconut ones, or hoping that you’ve not accidentally got a marshmallow one instead of something with similar markings. They’ll be nice. They’re a safe bet. We are on solid ground with those.

And finally, two – because one just wouldn’t be enough – “Wheyhey” chocolate peanut brownies.

Mmm, brownies. Just the word makes me salivate – where related to food, anyway. Not when associated with the young girl survival cult. But chocolate brownies are delicious. Moist. Rich. Luxurious. I mean, I am spoiled, but when I think of brownies my mind immediately heads over to the lovely, lovely ones from Tarte & Berry because they are all sorts of sexy and everything a brownie should be. Soft. Moist. Rich. Delicious.

The Wheyhey ones are none of those things.

They are low sugar, high protein brownies.

What that means is, they have all the right words in the name. But none of the fun. None of the umph of a brownie.

What they do have is an eating experience which I can best describe as what I imagine eating a stick of plasticine straight out of the wrapper would be like.

I’ve never had a brownie that has required me to supplement the very chewing of it with further liquid from outside my body. Anything you eat and your body is incapable of providing enough saliva to go with it is something you need to take a long hard look at. This is why people think they can eat three cream crackers in a minute, but actually can’t.

But then, cream crackers are not marketed to be eaten in triplicate within a minute.

These brownies, though, are sold ready to be eaten.

I have never had anything like it. And I don’t think I want to again. While there might be two in the house, it’s highly unlikely two will be consumed. For starters, I don’t know if I have the time. It took me about fifteen minutes to eat the first one today.

I’ve never had to set aside a portion of time to eat a snack before.

Having said all that, I don’t know what I expected a brownie made out of mainly chicory root fibres to taste like. Maybe I was just fooled by the word brownie. Like when vegetarians and/or vegans craft things to be like bacon but they couldn’t be further from the truth. I should have realised.

I should have questioned the fact that I couldn’t even squeeze it in the packet. That it resisted all pressure applied by fingers.

And any foodstuff that carries a warning about laxative effects should be sending up a red flag immediately.

Although I salute anyone who can eat enough of these in an arse-affecting timeframe. But, equally, they definitely deserve it.