Somewhere, out there, is a nerd. Waiting for a delivery that may never come.
Because it’s here. Where it should never have come.
Last night I placed an order – via Amazon Prime Now – for some stuff. I love Amazon Prime Now. I like the (pseudo) immediacy of it. I like that fact that in its entire existence I have never once ordered something I couldn’t have waited a little but longer for. But anyway, I ordered some coffee discs because they’re cheaper in bulk, and a new controller for my Xbox because there appear to be some issues with the bumper buttons. Or appeared to be. Obviously once I had ordered the new one and it was on its way the old controller is fine. What a dick.
I got both of those things.
But I also got another package.
Which is odd because my order says 2 items. The text I got says I have received 2 items.
I have received three.
I should have questioned it there and then, but I thought it might be the packets of coffee in a bag. I had a quizzical look on my face when I was handed it. But I rolled with it. Like a proper British person I just went with it. I accepted it. I took it into my house. I didn’t say “Hey, what do you mean you have another one in the car?” when he gave me the first two. I stayed quiet.
I wish I hadn’t.
I am now in possession of what is, so very clearly, a nerd’s survival package.
This is what it contains:
A birthday cake (although in the context of the other stuff, the birthday element seems redundant. It’s also really badly packed, but hey ho).
A bottle of water.
Four energy drinks.
Some bacon rasher crisps.
Some instant noodle soups.
Call of Duty Black Ops 4. Or IIII as it chooses to label itself for some stupid reason.
I have not ordered these things, or paid for these things, or want these things. But so far I don’t appear to be able to get rid of them. I have placed a call to the delivery guy via the app, but he is presumably long gone. I have sent an email to the customer service team.
I currently have this stuff just sitting on the stairs. Waiting.
I didn’t expect that today would go this way, in all honesty. It was just supposed to be a quick coffee and controller drop off and I could get on with the rest of my day. But now I’m in a sort of Amazon-induced Limbo, hoping someone will come ad take these things away and deliver them to their rightful nerd who, presumably, is becoming concerned that his (or her, let’s not be sexist) energy drinks haven’t come. After all, a modern nerd cannot live long without a steady stream of sickly sweet caffeine…
Not to mention the shame they will bring on themselves and their family for not being online with CoD within the first 24-hours of release…