CAKE UPDATE: It turns out that the weight of a large, dense chocolate cake pressing down on itself because it’s been put in a bag horizontally is detrimental to the health of the cake. It is slowly crushing itself to death. And, more importantly, still here. Seemingly forever.

Carole was besmirching my good name again yesterday.

The Sainsbury’s delivery driver was one of the regulars and, if I’m honest, probably my favourite of the bunch. He is the one who asked, earlier this year, where I was as Carole was the one taking the shopping in. He refers to me as the big guy. I wasn’t happy about it, but as it’s him I’ll accept it.

Yesterday he knocked on the door and Carole opened it. He again asked as to my whereabouts. Now, this time, I wasn’t out at work. I was upstairs. In bed. I’d had a late shift the night before, not much sleep and was a bit pooped. So I was enjoying a lie in. Of sorts.

But I had to call time on it. Because of Carole’s explanation of where I was.

“No, he’s in bed,” she said. “The lazy so-and-so.”

I was in bed. I was being lazy. Those are both true.


I had set my alarm for thirty minutes before the delivery window was due to start. I had woken myself up, despite the excitement of little sleep, to ensure that I was there to get the shopping in. Because I am dedicated like that. And because Carole questions everything that gets delivered. So it’s much quicker when I do it.

It was not my idea to still be in bed. Carole said to me, “Oh no, you stay in bed. I’ll get the shopping in…”

And then she has the bloody cheek to tell the guy that I was just being lazy.

I got up and dressed in super-quick time and made a point of going down stairs. Trying me best not to look like I had just leapt out of bed, annoyed at the sheer cheek of the woman.

I’m not sure I pulled it off, if we’re 100% honest.

But still… I’m not having my name dragged through the mud like that. I just won’t stand for it. Or, in this case, lie for it.

I tried to have another lie in today. Carole had been awake for a while, so decided to come back to bed and have a chat with me. Which obviously demanded that I be awake.

I’ll try again tomorrow, once she’s left for the gym. Surely she can’t get to me then…