Snags

How many packets of sausages can one person buy from a supermarket before they start to look weird.

I’m asking for a friend, obviously. Certainly not me. Why are you looking at me like that? Why though? It’s for a friend. Not for me. A friend asked me to ask about sausages. That’s an entirely plausible thing that could have happened.

I have a number of regrets in my life. One of them is that I only ever bought one packet of the “Royal Edition” sausages produced by Heck in the run up to the Royal Wedding. Blending pork, ginger and American mustard – much as the forthcoming nuptials would do – they were absolutely bloody delicious. And I should have bought more.

So when it comes to the Halloween ones, I am not being caught out. I bought a packet for us to try the other day and they are delicious – pork, pumpkin and black treacle. Everything you would expect from a Halloween sausage, and some black treacle. Again absolutely delicious. Bought one pack. Ate them. Loved them. Went to buy more. None to be seen.

I saw them on a shelf in Sainsbury’s today and bought four packets, which – it turned out – was pretty much all that was on display. But I’m planning on going back for another look in a day or so, maybe grab another couple of packs. I can just imagine the security team watching me acting totally out of character. I’m not in the books and games aisle. I’m not squeezing the foil Lego bags to work out what minifigure is contained within. I’m just buying sausages. Lots and lots of sausages.

And that’s before you even consider that, ideally, there will be a Christmasy version as well. I mean, there must be. There has to be. Some sort of deconstructed Christmas dinner as a sausage. Or a blanket in pig. A pork sausage with bacon in it. And cranberries. Or…

I’m drooling just as the thought of it.

But seriously, just so I know. How many packs of sausages is too many to buy at once? You can only buy a couple of boxes of painkillers, for example. Or so many bottles of booze without prior arrangement. You can, seemingly, just buy sausages for days.

So then, I guess, the question becomes how long until you’re sick to the back teeth of sausages with pumpkin and black treacle in them?

So far, never.