Festive Digestive

One of my favourite things about Halloween is that it means the festive sandwiches and other assorted savoury things start appearing in shops. And if there’s one thing I love it’s a good excuse to eat something with stuffing in it.

Sainsbury’s have set the ball rolling with a variety of festive sandwiches which Carole things I have already tried too many of. She’s stopped short of asking for a full lunch/tea audit but is already perturbed by the number I have tried. Which is four. That’s it. Just four.

One of the strangest I’ve had is the beef roll which has gravy flavoured mayonnaise – I know, right, that makes almost no sense – and a small Yorkshire pudding stuffed in the middle of the roll. I don’t know what makes it particularly festive, but the packaging has the snowflakes and things on it so it’s a legitimate festive sandwich. Because nothing shouts seasonal delights better than a roast beef dinner in a bread roll.

For me, though, the real draw of the festive-themed food is getting Carole to go to places that you would never expect to find Carole.

A couple of years ago I got her into a KFC where she actually ate chicken. Which is a massive, massive thing.

Because if there’s one thing you quickly learn about Carole it’s that she claims to like chicken, but will not eat it unless it has been cooked by a trusted source. And even when she does eat it from a reliable source she will still leave more of it than she eats. After over ten years, I am now a trusted source. I think it takes less time to be certified as a Fugu chef and that’s more way more deadly whereas the chicken thing is primarily just the squits and stomach pains.

Getting Carole into KFC was a monumental achievement. A Christmas miracle, in fact. It was all to try a burger which had stuffing flavoured sauce and other Christmasy flavours. And it was really nice. Carole even ate it. She didn’t, however, eat the further hunk of chicken which came with it because she’s not a crazy person.

I don’t know what KFC do to their chicken – I’m not sure anyone does – but they can make those chicken pieces both the greasiest and the hottest things on the planet. If you see an advert of people tucking into some chicken wings, they’re just able to lift them from the bucket and eat them in a civilised manner. You go to an actual KFC and try and eat one, the first thing that happens is that the breaded crumb slips off, plunging your finger ends into the scalding hot flesh beneath, before your hands become so slippy that it’s like you’re trying to catch the greased-up deaf guy in an episode of Family Guy.

You can probably commit a crime after eating a KFC because the heat of the meat has removed any trace of your fingerprints. Although the police could just follow the trail of grease right back to you and lock you up, no questions asked. My fingers still tingle a bit from the heat and that was two years ago.

I can’t wait to see what they produce this year.

Maybe they’ll stick a Yorkshire pudding in the middle of it.