Most Unhaunted

Halloween is our anniversary. Because then it can never be forgotten.

It can, however, be interrupted by children dressed as witches. Which is a massive downside to the whole thing.

So tonight we had a night in, snuggled on the couch. And then occasionally a night in not snuggled on the couch as Carole handed out handfuls of sweets to the local ne’er-do-wells and assorted urchins.

Our original plan involved us watching Deadpool 2. Or maybe binging the last half of last season’s episodes of Legends of Tomorrow. But I derailed that by flicking through the planner where I stumbled across…. Most Haunted.

Ah, how I’ve missed it.

Actually, I haven’t. The absolutely terrible performance of their 2015 Live special with the whole “pulled up the stairs” thing was probably the pinnacle of this show’s ridiculousness. So much so that it appears they don’t do any Live shows anymore, but instead tout something known as “As Live” which is, we are led to believe, exactly like a live show but entirely pre-recorded so they can edit out the bits when Karl is clearly throwing things around.

The show we stumbled upon, though, was Yvette Fielding counting down the top ten scary moments of Most Haunted. I assumed this would be a series made up of clips – maybe themed around a certain area or something like that. But no. The scary moments are actually full episodes.

And what’s scary? Well, they’re bloody terrible, that’s what.

I think the favourite bit of the whole two hours of nonsense we watched, for me at least, was the one at Hill House. There’s a chandelier and it just start swinging by itself. Which, you know, that’s ghosts for you isn’t it? Always just waggling the light fittings round like they’re Del Boy and Rodney setting up a cleaning business. What made this so great, though, was that in the intro to the edited down episode Yvette went to great, breathy lengths to build up the suspense and to let us know what each of the key scary moments were – including the swinging light.

“The light,” she said, breathy and mysterious, “which is out of reach of everyone just starts swinging on its own. And we captured that on camera.”

Now, they didn’t. They didn’t capture it starting to swing. They captured it already swinging. Which is a very, very different thing to start with.

But that wasn’t the issue…

The light was, she said, out of reach of everyone. Cue the start of the edited down show, with Yvette showing us round the property like a section on Homes Under The Hammer that doesn’t care as much about radiator placement as it does about spookingtons. She’s on the stairs looking at the chandeliers. They start to swing, she says. Before she reaches out and sets one swinging.

Out of reach of everyone.

Lying sod.

What’s even better than that is that person who notices the chandelier swinging is curiously absent from any of the footage leading up to this point, but suddenly dramatically appears (at a doorway leading to the chandelier) as a group (led by entirely trustworthy, supernaturally bald, ghost-botherer Stuart) turns round to go the other way. We’re led to believe that previously unseen man was part of Stuart’s group.

He wasn’t. He was off swinging the light fittings and the enters as the camera moves away with all the subtlety of someone trying to pretend they weren’t having a conversation about a third person who has just entered a room by saying, “… and that’s how they came to be known as potatoes…”

It’s such utter, utter bollocks.

I’m not sure I’d have it any other way.