Nailed It

When we went for our Christmas tree yesterday – and the anger associated with it – we suffered somewhat at the self-checkouts.

For some reason the self-checkouts in B&Q insist on everything being placed on the scales, including 7ft 6in Christmas trees. And when you put them on the scale the scales then have a dicky-fit because there’s too much on them and they don’t work and you have to get an assistant over.

Now, I love an assistant at a self-checkout. It’s a shit job because they take all the flack for whatever technical foible happens to occur to a customer. And in places like Sainsbury’s they can’t move fast enough for the number of idiots who stack their shopping on the next till’s basket shelf instead of the bagging area, or put in oranges as tomatoes and faint at the price. So it really is a thankless task. You’d turn up to work and say, “Hey, what would you like me to do today?” and when you’re told you were on the self-checkouts you’d wonder exactly what it was you’d done wrong or how you’d hurt your manager in a past life.

So, yeah, it’s a shit job.

In B&Q they’ve got a woman with overly long fingernails working the self-checkouts. She can’t use the touchscreen properly. Her finger ends don’t come in contact with the screen unless she comes at it from the side, and bashing it with a knuckle just doesn’t cut the mustard.

We both stood there, at one point, watching as she tried to key in a discount code for a voucher which didn’t work. We both, I think, thought about taking over for her and pressing the buttons because it was possibly one of the most painful experiences I have ever seen in my life.

I imagine you could recreate what it looked, sounded and felt like if you gave a duck an iPhone for a bit and challenged it to use the calculator.

There was a lot of clicking and clacking. But that was just her nails impacting the screen a good five to ten seconds before her finger got there. And when she started going sideways, sliding her hand along the screen like she was playing peekaboo… it was all getting a bit much.

And then she entered the voucher discount incorrectly so we got more off than we should have.

You’ve never seen two people pay for their things and get out of a  shop quicker than we did.