I don’t know how I feel about this year.
Drained is probably a good word. I feel drained. Not physically, but mentally I’m knackered. I don’t know why but I feel like I have not escaped the year in the same mental state as it began.
Obviously the year started with my gran (finally) passing away after what had been a long time gradually losing touch with all reality. I know saying finally sounds harsh but she wasn’t expected to last long when my mum and dad moved her up here originally, and it was super hard with a post-stroke mother to essentially deal with the responsibilities of three people. And sorting out the death stuff was equally hard because my dad’s lasting legacy is three copies of everything.
And mum’s turning more into a cantankerous old so-and-so. She’s really getting in to playing the victim this year, despite the fact that she is capable of doing far more than she would have you believe. I still sort of blame my aunt for this – I adore her for the amount of time and outings she spends with my mum but she does tend to do everything for her which means mum doesn’t do it. Which is later translated into can’t do it.
And that’s before you get into the random outbursts in public when she’s being hard done by.
I’ve dropped the ball with mum, completely. Carole picked up a lot of the slack – all of the slack – and she shouldn’t have had to do that, at all. I know we are a team, but she’s my mother – it’s me she should be exhausting!
I need to do better next year.
2018 is definitely a year I had. It could have so much better. So much more brilliant.
2019 is already looking like it should shape up a bit better from the outset…