Jan 5, 2019: Shell

There are many, many articles, videos, experiments and diagrams relating to the strength of an egg.

The shell of an egg is a marvel of engineering. Designed to withstand pressure in certain directions, designed to roll in such a way that it’s unlikely one would roll from a high cliff, or somesuch. Ostrich eggs have a compressive strength of more than 450kg. Chicken eggs rock in at something like a tenth of that. You can balance 45kg of stuff on the end of an egg. If you so desire.

As long as you go top to bottom, that is. Go sideways and you’re screwed. It’s all arches and things. It’s super clever natural engineering.

And there’s only one thing on this planet that can defeat that sort of super-evolved process.

Sainsbury’s delivery pickers.

According to the driver, in conversation with Carole this morning, the computers tell the people doing the shopping in Sainsbury’s what order to collect things in.

Admittedly, this is not the first case of computer-based mischief this week. Earlier this week, Carole launched into a quite long rant about the computer making decisions for her because every time she got an Amazon parcel it would fill her calendar in. I turned it off in the settings.

Anyway, as we all know, as silicon-based machines destined to become sentient and wipe out all life on Earth they have a particular hatred of eggs. They must, therefore, tell these poor pickers that eggs are absolutely fine at the bottom of a delivery crate. With heavy bags of vegetables thrown on top of them.

But wait, you’ll say, you just said an egg could take 45kg of pressure applied to it. Why are you complaining about a bag of carrots that weighs like a kilogram crushing your eggs?

Because what the marvel of natural construction didn’t count on – couldn’t count on – was that humankind would evolve to a point where we would haphazardly throw bags of vegetables about. I mean, no-one could have seen that coming. Even Nostrodamus never mentioned that, and he’s been right about everything else as long as you interpret it to suit the point you’re trying to prove.

Not that I’m complaining. I mean, I am. But I’m not. We’ve not paid for a box of eggs in ages because they come, every week, with the structural integrity of at least one calcium carbonate ovoid entirely destroyed. Boom. Free eggs.

And that’s without us having to resort to hitting a bag of carrots against the eggs. It just happens.

Because the computers tell the pickers to do it. Apparently.

This is the rise of the machines we were warned about.