Jan 30, 2019: Legume

It seems when you speak out against the chickpea, other legumes rise up against you as well.

The yellow split pea is my newest nemesis – an ingredient in what should have been a hearty, warming, thick, richly coloured and delicious split pea and ham soup. But was, instead, an ingredient in what could best be described as pale yellow, unappetising pea water.

Do you know how much work goes into even using a split pea? You have to start the day before because they need soaking, boiling for a bit, introducing to your family, each pea needs a bank account opening for it and access to your Netflix. They are demanding little buggers and that’s before you even get to properly cooking with them.

Because when you do that you have to boil them FOR AGES.

They are – I assume – so dry in their original form that only copious amounts of water and the application of heat to weaken the molecular bonds slightly and allow water into their very being will make them in any way palatable.

But will still, for some reason, give you pea water as a by product.

The soup was supposed to be thick – the recipe even said I should add more water to it. Instead I ended up with something that looks like you’d expect a Third-World child to be imbibing while Ewan McGregor urges you to send money to save them from having to drink the filthy water.

You could tell it was supposed to be thick because you could scatter gammon chunks upon in, and throughout it, and they wouldn’t immediately sink to the bottom.

I tested it.

They had more luck with the Titanic than I did finding that piece of gammon in the pea water.

Every now and again a recipe will go completely wrong. But I can usually work out why. I haven’t read something properly or I’ve missed something. This one… no idea. Not a frigging clue. I think I have just angered the pea community dissing the chickpea yesterday.

I’m boycotting all legumes for the rest of this month…