Feb 8, 2019: Anxious

I had a work thing today. A simple little thing, really. Just a trip out to a pub near Bradford to play a couple of portable escape-room-in-a-box type games that we’re getting in at work for taking to corporate days and things of that nature.

Basically, something and nothing.

The original plan, as of last night, was that we’d be playing at work. And I was fine with that. I think – I assume – because all of that was under my control. Whereas the new plan, as of this morning, was the pub one so I’d be picked up, taken and brought back.

My anxiety kicked in big time with that.

For no actual reason, really.

I was going with Tom and Becky – i.e. the people who own where I work – and I know them both. There was nothing to freak out about. But I was. I was lying in bed reading the text this morning, rapidly thinking of ways to say that while I was up for it yesterday I wasn’t up for it today.

Which is just bloody stupid.

But that’s the way anxiety works, I guess. It’s not rational. None of it is rational. Your brain’s like “hey, you aren’t in control of that – someone is in charge of ferrying you about and you’re going somewhere you don’t know… time to start worrying.”

And so it did.

That coupled with my hatred of any sort of appointment that isn’t first thing in a morning threatened to derail everything.

Whereas, actually, it was all fricking awesome and I’m really glad I went. No, scratch that. I’m glad I was given the opportunity to go – that my opinions are respected around stuff like this – and then I’m glad I went.

I mean, I did leave thinking, “Oh, so… I could probably make something like that myself if I applied myself a little bit…” which is probably going to bobble around in my mind for quite a while as I come up with puzzles and things of that nature for potential rooms. It’s something to bear in mind, at least. As long as no toes are stepped on.

But that’s not the take home of this. The take home of this is that my morning brain didn’t want to do what my afternoon brain ended up enjoying. And I don’t understand why. I genuinely don’t. And I think the real problem here is that if I sit and try and analyse why I feel the way I feel about that – or the way I felt – that I’m just going to set myself down a path I don’t want to go down.

I just need to focus on the positive. Which is that I did it. And I sat and made small talk and solved puzzles and provided input. I did all that. Despite the best efforts of my own body’s chemistry to thwart it all.

I’ll take that as a win.