Feb 21, 2019: Fry

Sometimes I just think the universe is out to get me. I’ve probably made that clear over the years – I think it knows when I have plans that can be derailed, or if I’m in a rush. Or if I’d like to spend fifty minutes on a bus for discernible reason on a twenty minute ride. I mean, honestly. This morning was mental – I take back everything I’ve ever said about pensioners slowing buses down, it’s fricking kids on half term holidays that bugger everything up.

And every now and again I think the universe goes “Hey, what’s a thing you like?” and I’ll tell it and then it goes, “Hey, I wonder what Stephen Fry thinks about that?” Like the Harry Potter books – I don’t want him to read them to me, thank you.

Today, I discovered, he’s a bloody guest star in the new series of Doctor Who.

Because of course he bloody is.

He’s bloody everywhere. Like James Corden. It’s one or the other. I don’t think you can have them both in the same space because they’ll vanish up each other’s arseholes while discussing how amazing they are and tear a hole in the space-time continuum.

Which, then, Fry will pop back through and explain to us silly ninny-muffins because Stephen Fry knows everything.

I don’t know if I’d made it quite clear, but Stephen Fry annoys me.

You can’t pick up anything these days without a little quote from the great man somewhere, saying it’s marvellous or brilliant or amazing. I don’t want to know what Stephen Fry thinks of a book I’m going to read. I don’t care. If anything, it puts me off because he’s bloody read it and if I’m not careful I’ll be able to sense the echo of his smug face looking back at me through the texts.

Nor do I want to discover the Greek myths retold as only Stephen Fry could.

Which I take to be unnecessarily.

The Greek myths have stood the test of time without being rewritten, that’s the beauty of them. They don’t need to be rewritten. I don’t think, when they were first told, someone said, “I mean, these are alright, but they really need to be redone by someone who really would like everyone to know he is the cleverest person in the room at all times, ever, no matter the room.”

And now he’s going to be in Doctor Who.

I feel violated.