Feb 27, 2019: Witness

I got up this morning and had a glorious couple of hours pottering round the house before I had to get ready for work. The sun was shining, reflecting off the frost on the grass. Birds were singing, Peppa was shouting at those birds from the top of her cat stand. Washing was blowing in the breeze, with more in the machine set to join it.

All was right with the world.

So, obviously, today was the day the Jehovah’s Witnesses came to visit.

What I like about this particular group of god-bothering doorstep worriers is that they are easy to spot. If there was a documentary crew following them, you’d expect to hear a few stock phrases in the narration – they travel in packs, they always wear sensible shoes and they will wear long coats no matter what the weather.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

I’d like to think I set a new personal best this morning for shooing them away.

Previous visits have seen them get to the door and me ignore it complete, despite knowing full well they have seen me through the window. Or I have gestured – politely – for them to leave when they’re halfway down the path.

Today, in record-setting territory, they didn’t even make it to the gate.

I saw them coming along the pavement, pausing on the pavement outside our house to rearrange their Watchtowers and make little notes in the books – ticking off the houses where the heathens live, I assume.

I took that as an opportunity.

I channelled my inner Brian Blessed and shouted “No!” incredibly loudly.

The windows were not open, downstairs at least, but my message made it through brick and stone, through plastic and glass, through long black coats and sensible shoes. The old couple – a group of six had split with military precision to each cover a different area. There was stick woman and woman with push chair, obvious couple, and the old couple – heard me and waved at me to acknowledge my objections before moving on to not be welcomed at any of the other houses along the street.

And possible to bring down a pox on all our families. I don’t know. But still. New record.

The only way I can beat this is to see them come into the street and head them off there and then.

I’m not sure I can do it.

But I do like a challenge.