Mar 13, 2019: Hair

Having had many traumatic experiences with haircuts in my life – that time I had it cut in the dark, or that time when I can’t be entirely sure a homeless man didn’t do it to name but a couple – I splurged a minimal amount on a set of hair clippers and now have the joy of Carole cutting my hair.

And it’s lovely. It brings us closer as a couple. I am, essentially, trusting her not to make me look like a complete and utter twat. Or more of complete and utter twat, I should say. I mean, sure, there was that time I went to work with what was essentially a mohawk which one of the girls in the office cut down with scissors. But generally it’s all good.

For a while, though, it has become apparent that the minimal spend I made several years ago has more or less out-lived its usefulness. Not because my hair is thinning quicker than someone with a hefty tapeworm infestations. But because it’s old, and going blunt and my hair is no longer trimmed (trum?) with the same swishness as before.

So I’ve looked online at various clippers.

When I bought my clippers the first time, I did it on a whim. No review checking, no nothing. I went to Argos, filled in the numbers and got clippers. They clipped, still clip and will continue to clip in diminishing capacities. They’re fine.

Now, though, I am beset by reviews. One to five star ratings based on each individual’s experiences.

One set of clippers, for example, comes in at 4.2 out of 5. That sounds pretty decent. But for every two positive reviews there is a negative one. And the negatives range from the fact that it feels cheap all the way up to it pulling hair out, via the fact that the vibration of the unit is such that the person doing the clipping was shaken apart.

Okay, I exaggerated the last one. But only slightly.

Another set rates similarly highly – they cost more, so you’d think they would rate better. The first negative review I found, though, was a man complaining they had ground to a halt and when he took them apart to find out why he discovered them to be clogged with hair. He gave a 1 star rating based on the fact that he had not cleaned his clippers in all the time he had been using them. And they clearly had cut hair, unless they come with other hair already in situ, as the hair was clogging them up.

I’m still none the wiser.

I feel like I should just take a stab in the dark like I did the first time.

But I am a man of the internet now. Well, still. But more so now, I guess. Star ratings affect my judgement. Apart from on Sainsbury’s website where people actually review milk. Or vegetables – something you can’t review with any certainty because they are natural products and vary from item to item.

But I don’t want my hair to be torn from my scalp. It’s thinning enough as it is. It doesn’t need to be ripped out in clumps. But I also don’t want Carole to be shaken to pieces or cooked alive by a handset which becomes alarmingly warm before, I don’t know, bursting into flames and burning all the hair from your head, accompanied by the tasty smell of incendiary hair.

I think I might just keep the old ones for now, and just try not to listen as I can hear them chewing through my hair…