Mar 21, 2019: Bulb

The other day I mentioned that I’d – completely by choice – spent a whole pound to park in town for less than five minutes in an attempt to change the bulb in the customer toilet at work.

Prior to that, we’d had to romantically light the room using camping lanterns and battery-powered candles. And it was romantic. But from a long-term practicality point of view, it was terrible.

So I wanted to sort the light out in daylight. With Carole’s help as there were ladders involved. And I am clumsy AF.

But that did not come to pass.

I was in work the other night for an evening shift, and I went in early to sort out the light. Alone. From atop a ladder. Numerous things could have gone wrong. It had all the hallmarks of the opening five minutes of Casualty. A jolly worker, gathering his tools to change a bulb. A simple task. But one that is fraught with danger. Dun dun duuuuuh. Etc.

It wasn’t fraught with danger. It was, however, riddled with swears.

I don’t understand the people who make ceiling lights.

“Hey,” they must think. “Our lights are going to be on the ceiling, so they’re going to be awkward to access at the best of times. I’m thinking that the cover should clip on. That way it would be easy to remove if the bulb needs to be changed.”
“That’s a good plan, but we’ve just signed this exclusive deal with Screws, Screws, Screws so we’re looking at screwing the covers on. Also the screws are super long. And have funny shaped heads so it’s hard to keep a screwdriver in them while you’re balanced on a ladder.”

What a bunch of cocks.

I got up to the light fitting. Saw it was screwed on. Came down. Got the screwdriver. And then faffed for ages. The screw heads were triangular for some reason, which didn’t help matters. And the slot was really small and it’s not the easiest thing to do from underneath. Oh and it was positioned in such a way that the ladder would allow you decent (but awkward) access to one screw but you were fucked with the other. I had to do tetris-esque shape sliding to get into position to unscrew the second screw and finally release the cover.

And putting it back on.

What a fricking chore that was… made even more fun by the fact that the head of the screwdriver kept coming loose and falling to the floor. I was up and down like a fiddler’s elbow.

Hopefully, we’ll have moved out of that building before it’s time to change the light again…