Apr 24, 2019: Endgame

We’ve done the last bit of Avengers: Endgame preparation in readiness for the movie’s release tomorrow.

We had to mop up the one film we hadn’t seen, for whatever reason, which was Ant-Man and The Wasp, and we’ve done that tonight. It couldn’t go unwatched because it’s pivotal to the timing of Doctor Strange handing over the Time Stone and all that jazz.

And, you know, because Any-Man is going to fly up Thanos’ arse and then grow large and blow him apart from then inside. Endgame is literally three hours of exploding colons. The 3D version is going to be amazing, like that 3D dildo in the Jackass movie.

The other main part of Endgame prep, though, is to avoid all social media and large portions of the internet until we’ve seen it. We don’t know, as yet, when that will be. We have a rough idea, for sure, but nothing is booked and set in stone. I should have booked the day off work to slot it in. I didn’t. But that’s all cool.

Because, to be honest, being off certain parts of the internet – I’m looking at you, Facebook – isn’t that bad a thing anyways…

But yes. It has to be done. No click throughs to articles. Nothing like that. No comments. No YouTube videos. I follow Marvel on things, and I’m avoiding that, even though I know they’ll be safe because they’re really pushing for Endgame not to be spoiled for people.

But you also have to factor in the fact that the internet is home to proper bellends. I imagine Graham Linehan might take time out from acting anyone who supports Trans-rights (Hey, Graham, come at me bro) and just tweet everyone he hates a list of all the casualties from the film. But he’s not the only bellend on there. There are a plentiful amount. Some of whom thoroughly enjoying being first to things and ruining it for others, and who would piss and moan if you ruined something they liked. Because, you know, arseholes.

I’m even considering putting up signs at work on Friday and Saturday banning any mention of Endgame. It’s unlikely, for sure, but still…. even an accidental slip is a slip too far.

Even telling me the noise that Thanos’s bumhole makes as Scott Lang flies up there on an ant is more than I want to know.

Shhh.

Don’t Spoil The Endgame.