Apr 27, 2019: Brain

I’ve had a very, very weird week this week. You know, mentally speaking.

In essence I have been, for what of a better term, gloomy as fuck. Even Eeyore would be telling me to fricking cheer up at this point in the week.

I don’t even know why. I can’t put my finger on what it is that’s making me feel like that, or what I can change to make things better. I am just gloomy AF. Nothing has sparked joy. If I was Marie Kondo-ing my life I would have nothing in it right now. Nothing. I would have thrown everything away, having thanked it all first for whatever reasons you’re supposed to do that, because joy was not being sparked.

The thing I hate the most about this is that there hasn’t been a low ebb like this for a very long time. And I have been really enjoying stuff – all stuff – up to press. But for some reason this week has tipped the scales the other way. And I can’t explain it. And that in itself is annoying. When you’re trying to explain to a loved one why you’re the way you are at the moment and you can’t because you have no idea. You don’t know what’s sent you to the pit of despair, how long you’ll be here or if you’re planning on bringing back souvenirs.

Stupid things set off little meltdowns. Last night it was whether or not to see Endgame. No, incidentally. But then I think, somewhere in my mental mind palace, the occupants are annoyed that other people who I know are not into this shit as much as me have seen it already. And that annoys me. It’s a FOMO thing. But with the added fun of being doolally layered on top for good measure.

And when you think about it, it’s stupid. Because that’s just a film. But that’s rational brain chemistry talking and mine is anything but that, it would appear. Especially when it’s been dredging up all sorts of dream-treats for me this week. Old jobs that I hated, and things like that have been an absolute pleasure to experience. It makes me long for the anxiety dreams of old where I would dream all my teeth were falling out and I would just push them back into my gums. Ah… nostalgia.

Brain chemistry is weird, man.

But, we’re off to play a megagame tomorrow though – a giant board-game-esque experience with strangers in a strange place. And I’m strangely okay with that. Even though it involves two things I am not good with. I’m just focussing on the game at hand. And the fact that, actually, I want to win. I want to bloody ace this astronaut retrieval stuff.

Plus it’s nice to play a game with another bunch of people that aren’t just me and Carole and Daniel when he chooses to visit for said gamery.

So I’m hoping I can shake off a decent amount of this funk by the morrow. I think it’s lifting a little