Imagine, if you will, a scenario in which you are not talking to your next door neighbour because their child is a noisy little fucker and you’re sick to the back teeth of listening to his shitty music through the walls from whenever he wakes up until whenever he has put on one of his primary coloured tracksuits and pissed off to annoy people somewhere else.
Purely hypothetically of course.
What’s the absolute best thing you could do, if you were in that situation.
Ooo, I know. You could smash the mother’s glass of pop all over their back doorstep after rolling a wheelie bin into it.
Welcome to my afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Because that’s entirely what I did.
I was just taking the garden waste bin round the front for collection tomorrow, and because when the ferns in the front garden get even a sniff of rain it turns the entire garden into something out of Jurassic Park. And the best time to cut it all back is when the bin is there to put stuff directly into.
So to get the bin round, we need to go through next door’s garden. And they have numerous obstacles in the way. Some would say, just shit from their house that they have abandoned outside. But I will say obstacles. One of them has been there so long that it’s force of habit to bump the bin up onto the back doorstep to get round it.
Unfortunately, there was a glass of pop there today.
And I saw it approximately a nano-second before the bin hit it.
Considering we’re not actually talking, and haven’t been for some time, she was quite nice. I was ridiculously apologetic and did feel slightly guilty about it. Because I’m a nice person and apologise when I smash stuff, unlike them who break fences left, right and centre and couldn’t give a shit. But hey.
So I apologised loads, and I picked up all the glass to make sure her children didn’t slice their feet open if they left via the back door with no shoes on. Because, again, I’m nice like that.
I have to bring the bin back tomorrow…
Who knows what chaos I can cause.