Jun 21, 2019: Unbroken

I am just unstoppable in my march for unbridled mischief and shenanigans while left home alone. There is nothing I won’t do. I am having so much fun!

At adulting.

Today, for example, I’ve been to work (twice). Done three loads of washing. Watered the garden. Emptied bins.

I mean, if that isn’t living it up, I don’t know what is.

I’ve also, because I felt bad about the smashing incident, given next door a replacement glass – well, a couple because I couldn’t get a single one – and enjoyed the reaction immensely.

Because, as I mentioned the other day, we don’t really talk anymore because they can’t understand why shitty music slamming through the wall on a weekend afternoon might really piss us off.

So breaking the glass is probably the first thing I’ve had to do with them in years. So replacing the glass is the second.

Firstly, she was taken aback that I’d done it. She said I needn’t have bothered. But as she said this she was taking the glasses with such ferocity that if it were a comic the word “Yoink!” would have accompanied it.

And then there was a conversation inside the house which I heard because I was pegging out some washing at the time (see above).

“Why’s he done that?”
“Because he broke a glass the other day…”
“But why’s he done that?”

I mean, it’s a simple answer really.

It’s because I’m not a massive bell end. But don’t worry, we don’t suddenly expect you to pay for all the wood we had to use to mend the fences you broke or any of the stuff we used to get bike scratches and football marks off the car. You carry on being a shit and being unable to grasp how a simple act of apology and recompense is actually the done thing.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect this simple act of kindness to shatter the universe and turn them into decent neighbours. I don’t expect anything of the sort. I don’t think for one minute any volume knobs will be adjusted because of my kindness. We’re not in a schmaltzy American movie from the 80s. I expect to be “enjoying” some sort of shitty street music at some point this weekend.

(And, incidentally, if I do get to enjoy the music I really hope it’s the song which has used the lyrics from “heads, shoulders, knees and toes” because nothing says more cool that someone turning a nursery rhyme into a bangin’ tune.)

But I feel better about the whole thing. And, you know, I can cast even more judgement on them now from my lofty perch of superiority.