Sep 28, 2019: Happy

I stopped taking my happy tablets a while ago, on a seni-scientific whim based on things I’d noticed when I’d fogotten to take them for a few days at a time. Given that I have most of my repeat prescription left, it’s been about three months since I was last chemically “happy.”

I think – Carole will probably tell me later that she disagrees – that it’s been my best three months in a while. I don’t think I’ve been as angry or stressed as I used to get in a good while. I’ve been frustrated about things, but that was a lot to do with me not – or feeling I could be – saying anything about a situation and less to do with my brain chemistry.

And stuff that would have tipped me over the edge doesn’t seem to, anymore. It used to be I’d find a problem with something that put me at a disadvantage and I’d be furious that the world is against me. Now I’m like, “oh that’s shit… ah, there’s a solution.”

Why wasn’t I doing that when I was tweeking my brain chemistry?

Even this morning, everything conspired against me. I’d left the reset at work last night in favour of getting home an hour earlier, given that I was in first thing this morning. So obviously my plan to come in early and reset unravelled as buses missed and I got in waay later than I wanted to.

But i rode it out. Old me – and old tableted me, for sure – would have been really cross. Seethingly so. And yet I was just going with it. Not even watching the minutes tick by on my phone to see how late I would be compared to my ideal arrival time. Just chilling. Calm. Collected.

Apart from one thing.

How are people – people waiting for a bus, I might add – surprised and unprepared when the bus turns up?

I mean, I’m calm(er) and zen(er) and everything nowadays for sure, but seriously people, get your shit ready before you get on the bus…