Oct 17, 2019: Terrible

I think I have, unwittingly, subjected myself to one of the worst films I could have stumbled across on Netflix. This was made even worse by, immediately after I finished it, stumbling across a trailer for something which looked genuinely good and which could have happily filled the previous two hours.

Instead I opted for a “quirky comedy” starring Jason Sudekis and Anne Hathaway. If you want to avoid it, it’s called Colossal. Which is apt, in a way, because it’s colossal pile of shite.

Here’s the premise, in a batshit crazy nutshell. There is a monster in Seoul which has been terrorising a part of the town. It turns out, through a variety of visual clues in news reports, that this monster is actually appearing when Anne Hathaway’s character crosses a bit of park in her home town. So in one shot, the monster looks like it’s carrying a sack because Anne Hathaway was carrying an inflatable mattress in an oversized pillow case. True story.

Anyway, Anne works out she’s the monster, and she works out how it appears and does all this neat shit. But she’s still a loser drunk, so she just makes it dance a bit to show off to her old school friend played by Jason Sudekis. She falls over, so the monster falls over, killing loads of people. But hey, it turns out Jason Sudekis is a monster in Seoul too – a robot, in this case.

Then the tale heads off into stalker-ish weirdness and controlling behaviour. If she leaves, he’ll take the robot out to destroy a neighbourhood. That kind of stuff. None of it is the quirky comedy I was promised. The monster and the robot fight. The monster knees the robot in the balls, they end up on the floor rolling around – massively less bothered about the death count that before.

This goes on a bit – a lot – and then there’s more bollocks about Jason Sudekis being a dick and Anne Hathaway unable to escape the position she’s found herself in.

And then there’s a flashback where it turns out the whole thing started because – when they were kids – they had made dioramas of cities for school. She made Seoul, he made Madrid. Seoul blew away in a storm, onto some waste ground (now the playground that triggers the monsters on the other side of the globe) and he went to rescue it, but because he’s a shit he actually found it and smashed it. She saw him do that and has been bottling up the anger ever since. Oh, and then they were both struck by lightning. And it turns out they had action figures in their bags – him, a robot; her a monster tree thing.

Dun dun duuuuh.

Post-flashback Anne Hathaway realises what a dick he is, and tries to stop him. But he threatens robot-based destruction. So she does the only sensible thing. She goes to Seoul, because if she does that then her monster will appear in the home town. I mean, it makes perfect science sense.

And bugger me, it does. It appears while Sudekis is being all roboty and threatening Seoul. So Anne Hathaway, in Seoul, mimes for her monster to pick up Jason Sudekis in the home town playground, somehow knowing where he’ll be based on fuck knows what aside from wishing and hoping. She picks him up and the robot starts floating around because he is the robot and he’s being held aloft across the globe by the tree monster. Which then roars at him, and flings him far, far away. Because obviously.

And then the film ends, more or less, with a Korean bar tender offering Hathaway a drink which is funny because she’s an alcoholic…

Holy shite on a bike. I watched the last 30 minutes of the film on scrub because it was just so pissing dull. You may have the wrong idea about how much of the monsters there is in the film. Very little.

Mainly it’s just everyone complaining about stuff being shit, and Dan Stevens off of Downton in a jumper.

Don’t watch it.