Nov 8, 2019: Log

We last ordered my mum some heat logs in 2016. Since then she’s been merrily burning them and, in fact, had a few of those packs left.

They were delivered by a limping heart attack in a high vis jacket in one of the most terrifying deliveries ever.

Three years on, we have a delivery of logs. Same delivery guy. Much more terrifying.

A full pallet is a lot. It’s a big stack of logs. And it came out of the truck diagonally. It was perfectly straight inside the truck, but on its way out it swung. Then it got stuck. I’m not sure how or on what. But it got stuck.

It was at this point that I was bracing myself for having to unload the logs twice. Once from the back of the lorry to the floor and once from floor to garage.

Instead, though, our intrepid delivery guy just rammed his trolley at the pallet repeatedly until it moved a bit. Which was terrifying. The stack of logs makes the tail lift bend, so it looks even worse. And then he used his trolley to lift it and roll it again.

We’re on a hill. There’s a stack of logs. The stack is at an angle on the tail lift in such a way that you couldn’t lower the lift without tipping the pallet. Banging it has helped, a bit. But really you have to lift it.

Holy shit.

It was at this point that I had visions of 1000 logs hitting the road, the packs bursting, the logs shattering.

It was more terrifying than the last time.

Luckily it didn’t happen.

But we ended up in a position where he then couldn’t get the logs off the tail lift once it was down.

I had to operate the lift. Me. An untrained lift operator. Up a bit, down a bit, all so he could get the trolley under.

It took half an hour to unload the thing from the back of the truck. Half an hour of clenched bums and having to look away because if you don’t see it happen it’s much, much better.

Then the shit job came – me and mum ferrying the logs up the drive to the garage. Mum was a machine. Pilates breathing and power walking. I was just pulling a sack cart of logs. I had to load more on because mum was beating me hands down.

My legs no longer work.