Dec 9, 2019: Light

Part of our Christmas décor is some outside lights because everyone has outside lights these days. We’re probably only a couple of years (and probably some nicer neighbours) away from something huge and inflatable in the middle of the lawn.

But for now, it’s some lights. Last year they went along the fence and it looked okay, I suppose.

This year, I battled with a tree whipping around in strong winds to place them down the garden path and round the conifer at the end of the path. Because I am a bloody legend.

I had a plan, which is why I’d been to Wilko’s for the various bits of electrical stuff. Unfortunately, and annoyingly, as I was making the changes to the wiring I gradually undid the need to have bought any of the stuff I bought on Saturday. I reclaimed the three-way plug, and I found an extension lead behind the couch.

Still, it’s great to have new stuff, isn’t it? Absolutely great. Brilliant. It was worth going through that fifteen minutes of hell in the town centre. It was all worth it.

And then, of course, I decided to put the lights out in the dark. Because of course I did. In a way it was the best thing to do because I could immediately see the effect and tweak it, flicking them on and off with my phone, but it was also a man fighting with a string on lights in sub-optimal lighting conditions. And a gale.

What was worse is that I untangled the lights at the start of the afternoon and lay them out in a way which I believed would keep them tangle free.

But as soon as I pick them up to go outside, them form into a massive ball of tangle. An absolute bunch of bastards, as my dad would have said. And, somehow, the self-formed tangle of an afternoon took longer to unravel than the forced tangle of my own making I had to undo when unpacking the lights in the first place.

These lights are evil.

They look nice.

But they’re evil.

Because not content with tangling with themselves, they also ensnared my foot at one point so I was walking around attached to Christmas.

I’ve seen that sort of shit happen in films and it never ends well. I was probably lucky to escape with my life after losing nothing more than a bit of dignity from shaking my leg around and exclaiming, “let go of me you tangly bastard!”

But anyway, they look nice.

Even though I am convinced I have put them on a nice light cycle and every time I look out it’s like they’re purposefully attacking any passing epileptics.

Evil, I tell you.