Feb 2, 2020: Mental

In the greater scheme of things, my mental health is better than it has been for a good few years. I don’t cry when I go to work, I can be around people without hating everything and everyone (but just because I can doesn’t mean I always will… I still do not suffer fools). I am better than I was.

And then every now and again…

Basically, fuck me I’ve been really struggling over the last few days. But don’t ask me why, or what it is that’s triggered it, because I haven’t got a fricking clue.

All I know is I am an absolute pain to be around. Beyond a pain. Argumentative, shouty, and just generally a bell end.

Not to mention tired, because I’ve not particularly been sleeping well. Which then adds more fuel to the fire of anger and general grumpiness.

I haven’t been so bad as to not want to get out of bed or anything like that. I can still get dressed in the morning and things of that nature. I’m not sitting in a pile of my own filth, rocking. But I’ve definitely been struggling. I’ve had me time, but I haven’t felt like I’ve had me time. It’s a weird one. It’s hard to explain. Nearly impossible, I think.

And then this morning I just did a bit of cooking. Not even cooking. The bare bones of some prep for chilli – cut some stuff up, bung it in the slow cooker. That’s all I did. And it lifted me somewhat. I wouldn’t say it cured me completely because our kitchen is not without its challenges which do absolutely get on my tits which, again, fuels the fire.

But I definitely felt better.

Maybe it was because, for however brief a moment, everything was under control. There was a set thing to be done, and everything was where it should be and did what it should and there was no chaos.

There’s a lot of cooking and kitchen-based nonsense on this week’s menu. A lot of things to make – puddings and soups and, maybe, some bread. Last year I really enjoyed doing all that. It was my happy place. And then it drifted away towards the end of the year. It’s come back in dribs and drabs this year, but not to this level.

I’m looking forward to it.

I think my New Year starts this month.

I’m going to pretend January never happened.