Mar 30, 2020: Ten

I genuinely don’t know how people are going to cope when the lockdown is lifted. Whenever that may be – and it probably won’t be for a few more weeks as people can very much not be trusted to be disease-spreading bellends.

Because, for example, all Carole and most of her family have done for the past ten days or so is discuss the availability of online shopping slots, whether they have one and whether it’s wrong that we use one if we are given the opportunity.

Honestly.

All the time.

They get the hellos and the how are yous out of the way at the start of the call, then it’s a good ten minutes about supermarket shopping, getting said shopping, whether Carole should go to the supermarket (no, she shouldn’t), whether slots are being released, if we should be using click-and-collect rather than delivery and how they are identifying people as vulnerable.

I mean, I guess we’re lucky that it’s just that. We’ve been talking today about all the people who don’t really get on who are stuck together, or the ones who were about to or have just split up and are now in the same house together. Not to mention the people with the secret second family. And the ones who discover that their partner is nothing like they thought they were when you remove all elements of being able to go out. And those other people who discover what their other half actually looks like once the spray tan wears off, the eyebrows grow back, the lips return to normal size and all the wrinkles spring back.

It’s an interesting time.

Divorce lawyers are, probably, rubbing their well-washed hands together with glee anticipating the Scrooge McDuck Money Towers they’ll be able to purchase once all this is over and everyone comes to them.

Unless, of course, you’re Carole’s family. In which case it’s just a time to worry about shopping slots.

Not to mention how they’re all suddenly into baking bread.

Everyone, all of a sudden, needs bread flour. Back the hell off, people, that’s my thing. It’s one thing I’m good at, stop muscling in on it. Just because you were inspired by the cheesy hot cross buns I made this morning… get in your lane.

Stop baking.

Get back to worrying about whether you can get a delivery or not…