Apr 13, 2020: Twenty-Four

Today has been a long ‘un.

Carole’s painted the hall, stairs and landing again. Coat two. It took her a long time and made her grumpy.

I meanwhile have made 22 bread rolls, done all the ironing (including bedding… ugh) and cooked a gammon joint, made roast potatoes and tried not to have some sort of breakdown in the kitchen.

All that in between dodging messages from nieces and cousins-in-law (if that’s even a thing) about games and playing and doing things that weren’t making 22 bread rolls, doing all the ironing or cooking a delicious evening meal.

But in and amongst that, I have had the pleasure of catching decent chunks of several of my favourite type of TV show – the bullshit paranormal stuff.

Unbeknownst to me, Discovery Channel have been showing this stuff all weekend. I only discovered it today, in between episodes of something from the Sky planner. I could have been watching this nonsense for the last two days and having the time of my life.

Oh it’s been a gold mine of idiocy. A man visiting the sight of a UFO landing over sixty years ago determined to see if any evidence was still there, led there by the only man in Canada who could possibly take him there.

Which, of course, conjures up the idea that Canada is lousy with people who can absolutely be the only person who can lead you to the exact spot a UFO burned a man several years before the man doing the leading was even born.

And then Expedition Bigfoot.

Fuck me, I love a Bigfoot show. I had forgotten how much I could really enjoy this shit. They found a brilliant footprint, had protected it with cling film and all sorts. Rather than take a plaster cast which was – the voice-over told me – “time consuming and messy” they decided to take a 3D scan which was – my internal voice-over told me – expensive and unnecessary. It also served to make the footprint look like just a hole. But hey. Go with it.

But my absolute favourite part was the hottest of hot heat signatures which appeared on a thermal camera which worked like literally no thermal camera I have ever seen on anything ever before. It lit up a big red blob of heat which was obviously a Bigfoot which then disappeared because Bigfoot can seemingly phase of our existence when it fancies, which is a new thing but apparently he’s been doing in front of witnesses for ages. Anyway, big red blob of hot Bigfoot. It glows, it goes. Then a deer strolls in. The deer is emitting no heat whatsoever.

What freaky-deaky heat camera are we using?

Apparently it’s because primates – like Bigfoot – have hair, whereas deer have fur.

Speaking of hair, they found some hair in a cave. It came back from tests as human. They then stated that Bigfoot shared a lot of similarities to a human.

Anything to not say that in this cave there was some human hair. From humans who had been in the cave.

I mean, we don’t even know it was from the cave. They found it on a drone that they’d flown into the cave. You know who flew the drone. A human. With hair.

There was so much to unpack in these shows. It was such a mishmash of incredibly bad acting and clearly staged moments. It made Finding Bigfoot look like Oscar material.

I can’t wait to watch it again.