May 15, 2020: Fifty-Six

I accidentally started watching a film on Netflix this morning.

It was, and I say this with great clarity, absolutely bloody terrible.

It is, if you wish to avoid it, The Healer. A film about a man who repairs things who turns out to be some kind of wizard who heals people just by being in their orbit. It lays on religion with a massive trowel and it’s just incredibly bad.

But having said that it’s worth it for the first five or ten minutes which are set in “London”.

I assume the disclaimer at the end which says about any likenesses being purely coincidental has a further disclaimer saying “but obviously not the first part of the film because no-one would believe that”.

So, London.

Everything – and I mean everything – has a Union Jack on it. It’s like a Brexiteer’s wank dream. But all the flags do – on the taxis, buildings, shopping bags, placards and the like – is absolutely drive home how much this first bit is in Britain. Completely absolutely in Britain. Not Canada. Not at all. Britain. With British people.

The main character goes to the “British Municipal Bank” which is implying, in its very name, that Britain is most definitely the “district” this bit of the film is set in. He then goes to the manager’s office which is, obviously, all of these things: Wood panelled, filled with flags, graced with a massive picture of the Queen.

Like all good bank manager’s offices.

And they went to all that trouble and ruined it all by having an American-style pull-handle fire point on the wall of a building. Absolutely took me out of the immersion.

I mean, I still watched another hour of it in which he’s exiled to Canada at the request of a never-before-met Uncle who knows he’s a doctor wizard. It’s absolute horseshit.

It got better when it got a feisty cancer teen in it, I’ll be honest. But he’s given up his healing gift by this point so that’s not going to end well, but I somehow bet he’s not going to return to “Britain” at the end of it and that he’s going to undoubtedly end up with the Canadian vet (played by an actual British actress making her one of the only genuine British things in the film).

I bet I still get a passive-aggressive email from Netflix telling me to not forget to watch it…