You ordered Taste The Difference hot cross buns… we are sending you Be Good To Yourself hot cross buns.
That’s not a substitution. That’s punishment.
Somehow, in the Hot Cross Bun substitution world there is no middle ground between the best that is on offer, made with the finest ingredients and some of the juiciest dried fruit known to man and something which offers no calorific value and, by the looks of them, next to no fruit content.
Oh, and there’s more of the good ones as well. Which, to me, seems to imply that there’s so little to them you’d have to eat more to feel fulfilled.
But this is the situation we find ourselves in. Robbed, cruelly, of the nice stuff for the less than nice stuff.
How are there no other hot cross buns available. No middle ground. No Sainsbury’s bakery ones. No just ordinary any ol’ make hot cross buns.
I’ve not felt this robbed since the substitute for a big jar of Nutella was a small jar of Nutella. Not even the same weight of Nutella in a number of small jars. Just one small jar.
But here we are.
They’re also flat.
And I don’t know if that’s because they’re so good for you that they are like a biscuit or because something heavy was on top of them. And they’ve sent two packs of them – I asked for two of the Taste The Difference things, to be fair – but normally when we order multiple items which are substituted we only end up with one substitute.
What I think is happening, and call me a conspiracy theorist if you like, is that no-one wants the Be Good To Yourself ones. We’re on month whatever of a lockdown cycle, and everyone’s like “ah fuck it, I’m just going to eat myself to death on fat-filled nice stuff. Who cares what I look like – no-one’s ever going to see me again. I’ve got no vitamin D in my body anymore, so why shouldn’t I gorge myself on big, fluffy yeasty buns..” but shops are like, “No, we have to shift this massive stockpile of healthy food that we’ve got in because it’s January and everyone loves that new year, new you shit…”
And lo, we no have twelve of the blandest looking hot cross buns in existence.
Just as well we’re going to fill them with bacon, I guess…