You know how there’s flying ant day, the day in which either Dec’s showbiz partner goes on holiday or ants sprout wings and throw themselves in droves at passing cars, people and anything else in their way?
Is there also unseasonal wasp day?
If there is then it was today.
Today we had an unseasonable wasp.
We haven’t had one for a while, it has to be said. A good few years ago now, before the shenanigans of the bathroom fitting when the walls were an absolute shit show because of all the damage we’d done to them removing the tiles we had an unseasonable wasp. I assumed that it had been living within the slatted wall, and that the heat of the house had driven it out of whatever waspish slumber it was in. And it appeared whilst I was having a hot bath and I was very naked. And somehow, nakedity makes a wasp a lot more threatening.
This time I was not naked. But it was a big wasp. Carole, who first spotted it, called it a big fucker. And it was.
And you know what you want to catch a wasp there’s never anything to hand to catch it in – I ended up using the little jug that came with the iron for filling it up and a Park Run ID card thing which saw the most action it’s seen in over twelve months as it was used to trap a wasp in a very small jug. There was a moment, mid-laminated card slide when I thought that the card wasn’t quite big enough and it would leave a small aperture from which an incredibly angry, sleepy wasp could exact revenge on the human hoping to throw it from the house.
As it happens, it worked well.
Apart from that the wasp refused to leave. I threw it out of the bedroom window. And yet it was there on the windowsill, happy as Larry. Or as happy as an evil stripy bastard can be. Which is to say not very happy. What made it happier? Being recaptured in a small jug.
As I threw it from the window I reasoned that it was not really ready for the cold air of a February evening. That it had emerged from wherever the heck it had emerged from thinking it was later in the year than it was. I felt bad is what I’m saying.
Not super bad. Not like we were going to go outside and the wasp could have the house. I mean, it was a wasp.
And wasps are dicks.