Originally Published: 21 March 2010
There are a lot of games out there – all of them with stories and details and all that sort of thing. Sometimes that’s just too much. Sometimes you just need to separate the wheat from the chaff, to get to the nitty-gritty, to cut through the flim-flam.
Sometimes you just need Games In A Nutshell – everything you need to know in ten words or less.
Bayonetta: Sexy witch fights angels with her hair. Makes no sense.
Mass Effect: Space trilogy starts. Long elevator rides and blue alien sex.
Mass Effect 2: You’re dead, then you’re not. No elevators. More alien sex.
Scribblenauts: Clever game that knows more words than you do.
Monkey Island: Sarcastic wannabe pirate battles evil, gets the girl and rubber chicken.
Broken Sword: Wise-cracking journalist discovers conspiracy whilst hampered by a goat.
Need For Speed: Foxy chick says wear a seatbelt before pimped-out racing.
Crackdown: Super-powered agent leaps buildings, shoots baddies and collects orbs.
Devil May Cry 4: Moody boy has a demon arm. Dante’s in it later.
Prince of Persia: Spend ages saving the world then undo it all.
Shadow of the Colossus: Kill cute rock monster and feel bad immediately afterwards.
Dead Rising: Man unsurprisingly out of his depth in a shopping centre.
Dragon Age: Destroy Dark Spawn in epic world while shagging team members.
Batman: Arkham Asylum: Joker lets everyone out of prison. Batman less than impressed.
Condemned: The mannequins will shit you up. You have been warned.
Star Ocean: Lots of level grinding while annoying girl says “m’kay”.
Super Mario: Portly plumber eats special mushrooms to save Princess from Bowser.
Frogger: Massive frog trying to cross road repeatedly killed by lorry.
Left 4 Dead: Four people stand against the zombie onslaught. Don’t disturb witch.
Left 4 Dead 2: Four people stand against the zombies armed with frying pans.
Sonic The Hedgehog: Ginger maniac kidnaps wildlife. Blue hedgehog forms animal liberation group.
Fable: Molyneux’s hollow promises do not represent the finished product.
Viva Piñata: Paper animals eat sweets and have babies. Beware the sours.
Mr Driller: Dig through coloured blocks. Don’t suffocate or get squashed.
Geometry Wars: Eye-melting twin-stick shooter brings non-stop frenetic action.
Pac-Man: Yellow blob eats pills in a maze then chases ghosts.
Ms Pac-Man: Yellow blob’s missus wants to know what fuss is about.
Fallout 3: Explore vast wastelands and ruins of civilisation. Mutants are everywhere.
Mario Kart: Portly plumber expresses frustration at princess rescuing through road rage.
Tomb Raider: Big-chested woman strains t-shirt whilst collecting ancient relics.
Tomb Raider – The Last Revelation: Stay alive for whole game only to “die” at end.
Eyepet: Cute monkey thing wears clothes and eats cookies. Not real.
Halo 3: Armoured hero worshipped by millions finishes the fight at last.
Resident Evil: Poorly acted survival horror with climactic plot twist.
Silent Hill: Misty town populated by shambling nurses, obviously not NHS.
Phoenix Wright: Shouty lawyer objects to everything while defending innocent.
Legend Of Zelda – Ocarina of Time: Green clad boy plays musical instrument to avoid puberty.