The Skyrim Diaries

Originally Published: 19 November 2011

Day One – Morning

I do not know what the Oblivion happened to me yesterday. I remember drinking some Nirnroot home brew and trying to get lucky, but after that it’s all a blur.

I woke up in a cart, for God’s sake, a cart.  My hands were tied. There were three others in the cart with me. They were all tied up too. One was even gagged. Now, I like a bit of the kinky stuff as much as the next person, but waking up to find you’re part of a travelling bondage troupe is a bit much.

And where the hell was I? All around me were mountains and great waterfalls crashing down to the rivers below. And then it came back to me. It all came back.

I remembered the bet. The bet I’d made in a Nirnroot-induced stupor. The bet that I could cross the border into Skyrim without being seen.

“You crossed the border straight into the Imperial Ambush,” said the man opposite me, confirming my fears and throwing up another question or two. I didn’t remember anything about an ambush. They must have hit me hard. That, combined with the Nirnroot, must have left some serious gaps in my memory.

We arrived at a fort and were ordered off the cart. All my fellow travellers got off, one by one. They were called by name. And then it was my turn.

“Who are you?” asked the guy with the clipboard. I was clearly not expected, but I wouldn’t be, would I? The only way they could know would be if Big Ned had phoned ahead and, you know, what the Oblivion is a phone anyway?

I think I had an out-of-body experience or something because I could see myself. At least I think it was me. I don’t know how much I’d had to drink or how hard I’d been hit, but it was the first time I’d ever forgotten what race I was. I mean, there I was, floating above my own body as it flicked through all the available options. I wasn’t even sure what gender I was but let me tell you, I make a pretty fit woman – even if it was just an out-of-body brain-mash experience.

In the end, though, my memories came back. I remembered who I was. I’m Geo, I’m a male Nord and, if you asked me to describe myself, I think I’d say I was generic.

And now I was going to have my head cut off. I mean, seriously, one drunken bet and an illegal border crossing later and I’m in danger of never needing to buy a hat again. And you know what else, I wasn’t even given a fresh basket for my head. The guy before me was still using it, his lifeless eyes staring up at me as I took position on the block waiting for the d…


I was waiting for a deathblow, but that was definitely a dragon. A big, angry, fire-breathing dragon.

I legged it. I ran through corridors and caves, fought soldiers and massive spiders (they should get some conkers, sort those spiders right out) and eventually I was free. Away from the dragon, and out in the open countryside. Able to do whatever I wanted. I should probably head for the nearest small town and get supplies – I’m sure I can get a lot with the four gold coins I found on a table.

Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll head for the nearest small town. No messing. Here I go.

No distractions.

Day One – Afternoon

I just set fire to a fox.

I didn’t kill it. Just singed it a little. It ran around, on fire. It was like having my own self-propelled fury torch.

The village can wait.